December 13, 2010 - 11am
Wherein Patrick Loses His Little Remaining Faith In Humanity
Hello again, it's nice to see you, how are you doing this week? Oh really? That's fantastic, I'm so happy for you! Anyway now that we've dismissed with the pleasantries I sort of have a bone to pick. Oh don't worry it isn't with you... Well maybe it's with you but I certainly hope not for your sake. The picking begins, as with most things in this crazy world, with Oprah. Some time ago Oprah began working her worshippers into a frenzy over something that, according to her, had been REVOLUTIONIZIIIIIIIING lives the world over. Weeks passed and Oprah finally revealed her secret called.... "The Secret"... What? The secret is a "self help book" that, as with any self help book, purports to teach you everything you need to make your life better. The only problem with this is that self help books are supposed to give practical advice.. This one just bends you over and expects you not to notice. The secret to the secret, as far as I can gather, is that every person is a magnet for positive events and if your life is in the shitter, well then you just aren't being magnetic enough. "How does one become more magnetic?" you may be asking, and the answer according to The Secret is simple. Anything you could possibly want or dream for can be achieved by simply thinking positive thoughts and really, really hoping for it... Again, what!? Now I know that there's more to this drivel than my simplified version but to be honest that's the most I can explain without sinking into either a primal, murderous rage or crippling depression, look it up if you want all the details you lazy ass. I mean, if all you need to do to achieve a dream is wish for it really hard then why the hell can't I fly and shoot laser beams out of my eyes with my best buddy Han Solo? Huh The Secret? Oh, that's right, because its a fucking retarded idea!!! And the worst part about it is that because Oprah said this book is a life changing work of unimaginable value her peons flocked to the bookstore and gave this shit a weeks long stint at the top of the best seller list!! Which brings me to the aforementioned bone (no, get your mind out of the gutter) and it is with people because, apparently, they have forgotten how to think. Its the only explanation. How else could something that is so clearly and unabashedly bullshit become a sensation just because some rich lady from the TV said its on the level? I realize that these are hard times and people are desperate for a reprieve, but desparation is no excuse for stupidity. In all honesty i cant decide what makes me more angry: that people refuse to think hard enough to call shenanigans on scams like this or that there are people terrible enough to take advantage of dumb people's desperation. That sound you hear is me beating my skull into the wall in an attempt to dumb myself down so maybe things like this won't bother me anymore.